The Girl with the Hair
Needing to disassocaiate to associate.
Today, I was thinking about a new outlet for myself—one that allows me to be me. And if I am being honest, the predicament of where and what to write dominated my thoughts yesterday. In March, I decided to write (blog) every day, and I stuck with it until I had changed too much.
I was writing on my business account, and my writings and feelings turned too personal. I went through a lot of big stuff. Stuff that changes your whole life while almost erasing your existence as you know it. I fell hard but got up stronger than ever. It is still all so new.
I have since archived about 100 of the posts and was torn about how to move forward. I was a little embarrassed and felt something was missing from my life because I love to write.
I am a writer. Writing is my favorite thing to do. I also love to read, take walks, and consider myself relatively dull.
I have a family and enough kids to make one lose count of who is who, but I didn’t always feel like I had an identity. I let myself get wrapped up in the hats I had to wear and the profession I chose to pay my bills. Read: the profession that chose me and the one I lean into to pay the bills.
Being honest is one of my favorite things in the whole world. But sometimes, I feel being honest is equated to being a bitch.
I also identify as being a nice person. Someone who struggles to tell others “no,” someone who lets others walk all over her, and someone who loves others more than they love her.
Having the innate desire to be honest and kind is like feeling the pulls of the North and South Poles simultaneously.
I love who I am.
I love letting my rawness shine.
But I feel in today’s society, that isn’t accepted.
How can you be you and still serve on the PTO, sponsor the community swim team, post honestly on the neighborhood Facebook Group, be in the top .1% of your industry, make mistakes, be the perfect mother and wife, and still have the energy to function?
The answer is that it isn’t possible.
Trying to be everything to everyone while staying true to yourself isn’t possible.
So it would be best if you constructed a new life. Read: I must build a new life.
A life that lets you be you. Read: I life that lets me be me.
And that is what I am working on.
I have so many dreams that are dying to come out of me.
I also have some “dreams” that manipulated their way inside of me. Dreams that aren’t mine, but I think/thought they were mine. I am still working on figuring out which ones are which.
So yes, these few weeks away from writing were hard on me. I did lean into journaling on paper during this time. I leaned into ignoring myself at first but then finally listened to myself.
I learned all of my gut reactions were correct.
I learned I can be happy.
If you can get your mind to shut up, you will be able to hear and listen to yourself.
I learned how to do just that.
I learned a lot through all of this.
On my original account, I wrote many things I am proud of. But I was also told that I wrote a lot of dark stuff.
I guess that happens when you get lost.
Today, I am not lost.
Today, I know what I want.
I am starting a new blog (and eventually podcast) titled The Girl with a Name.
So, this morning, I originally wrote this blog post in the notes on my phone the second I got out of bed. I expanded it, but I wanted to share the original version. Here it is…
I was once lovingly referred to ask the girl with the hair. I have always loved that reference.
Today, I was thinking about a new outlet for myself. One for me to be me.
The girl with the hair came to mind.
Then the girl with a name came, it settled, and it felt so right.
Poetry.
Writing.
Sharing.
Exploring.
A podcast with other girls with a name.
A female gathering of writers.
A gathering of female creators.
Female artists.
To give me a safe connection.
Because I yearn for it.
Welcome to the girl with a name.
A blog and a podcast.
I am so thankful you are here.
With love, The Girl with a Name.